Tough

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and figured I should post it. I need to blog again. What better time to start than the present.

This has been a tough week. A woman with whom I was friends in Junior High passed away today. Her death has affected me far more than I thought it would. I feel somehow lost, which is very strange as we weren't close by any means. Even in Junior High we were friends with a little "f" at best. I think it must be because in this day and age we are able to reconnect with people thanks to FB and social networking whereas 20 years ago we just lost touch and moved on. But reconnecting with old friends, even little "f" friends, brings with it emotions or connections that we are not programmed to deal with. It's difficult to be reminded that we stopped being friends with someone, not simply because we went to different schools but because we really weren't all that close to begin with. For me that's tough to stomach. I want connections, I want to be Friends with everyone, not just friends. I want to think that I am and have always been a good friend, but I know that hasn't always been the case. I've screwed up. A lot. I've screwed friends over. Sadly, more than once.

Dalena was best friends with Vicki for 32 years. I am insanely jealous of that. I have friends I have known for 32 years, but while I would consider Brent and Dayna family I don't know that I would consider either of them my best friend. My best friend is probably my husband. And I know that's not a bad thing. But there is a part of me that wants a friend to talk to on a weekly basis, someone who cares about what is happening in my life and I theirs.  But there's the problem. Having a true best friend, other than one's spouse, requires a lot of time and energy. Especially when the people I would consider for the best friend position are at least three states away. And I'll be honest I'm not willing or able to put in the work right now. It's probably just laziness (or exhaustion), or maybe a deep seated fear of investing that much time only to have it end badly. I don't know. I have to remind myself that I have Brent and Dayna who have loved me warts and all since we were 5 or 6. I have Tanya and Tabitha, two friends who I can tell ANYTHING to without fear of being judged and who love me even though I never call.  I have Christi and Peninnah who I know will be there for me if ever I need them. I have Terri who will do anything for me and who loves me unconditionally (if my husband ever dies she will move in with me and help raise my Munchkin). I have Kathleen who would give me the shirt off her back if I need it. I have a fantastic older sister who loves me even though I was a total and complete brat.  I am blessed. I have people who love me. I may not have one friend who is my BEST friend but I have lots of Friends and lots of friends. Lots of people I care about and who care about me. I shouldn't focus on the botched friendships of the past.